Still alive, but barely breathing..

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
I prayed to a God that I don't believe in
While I got time youve got freedom
when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

Our best days turned to some of our worst
I thought ide met a man that's gonna put me first
But While I'm wide awake youve no trouble sleeping
when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up but you're Ok
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words are gonna stop the bleeding
cause youve moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're Ok
I'm falling to pieces
One still in love while the other one's leaving

Youve got my heart and her heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains
But you left me with no love and honour to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Still prayin' to a God that I don't believe in
I got time while you got freedom
when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even
No, it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK
so glad you're okay now
One still in love while the other one's leaving
I'm falling to pieces

It cant of been 4 years?

It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain

It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance I promise to never mess it up again
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

For the first time, there is no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away
And I am helpless
Sometimes wishing's just no good
Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you always keep passing me by

You never were, and you never will be mine

The little man!

Storms

'Life is not about waiting out the storm,
it's about learning to dance in the rain!'

Im 3 weeks off giving birth and I'm starting to get very nervous/excited/scared!!

I cant wait to meet our little boy :)

Fairy Tale

All my life I've been waiting for you to bring a fairy tale my way..

How can I breathe when everyone cries

Im not doing what I should be doing with my life.
Im not surrounded by creative people for the first time.
I dont have true friends that I can count on and share the burden of life.

I look at people that mean something, that are doing something to concrete their existence and I wonder why im so lazy.

Time ticks away

It still amazes me just how quickly time goes.

Its true that it slips away even quicker the older you get.

I need to make some serious decisions in my life.

Where I want to be in 2 years and 10 months, when I turn 30.

Forgiveness

And I thought of all the bad luck
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you

The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out
I have to learn again

Im tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness

Opinions

The most undesirable attribute of someone is a constant need to be right no matter what. It is just disgusting. It always surprises me that someone can turn out that way. How where they before though I wonder? Were they always one of those popular little bastard children that always had a bunch of people hanging around them despite the fact that each and every one of them would had punched them as hard as they could, should the opportunity have ever presented itself.

Its hard to imagine that someone can be so disturbed and jaded from the past that they are now able to completely concoct incredibly dramatic imaginary lives for every person they come into contact with. These creations allow them to ultimately percieve the world as unemotional and contrived. Thus confirming all their bitter notions. Justifying their negative views on everything and everyone.

I have wrecked my brain trying to understand why he is the way that he is and I am no closer to figuring any of it out, its a complete mystery and I just cant do this to myself anymore. I know how I deserve to be treated and im not getting it. Sure, he can be gentle. He opens the door and lets me go first. He has manners, and in most ways he is a gentleman. But he turns, and quickly. He makes me nervous - how can I ever talk about my past, my experiences when everything I say he questions. If he aked me things and listened to my responses he would see.

But he doesnt want to see me. He has his opinion and anything questioning that would mean he was wrong, right? No, No he cant be wrong..How can you be with someone that doesn't believe a word you say. That essentially thinks all women are whores because he has met the worst of them.

I was wrong...

Sometimes you have to wonder why certain things are presented to you, and more, why you take them.. I have had wonderful adventures and although I dont want them to end I feel contented. Its not a bad thing, it just means I have evolved and I no longer wish to be surrounded by people that just want to smoke dope and drink. I have had enough. I want to find the one. I thought I found him but I was wrong. I thought I found a peace that I never longed for. All of a sudden I understood why people want for that life. To be married and have babies.. It seems to work when you find the person you think it can work with. But I was wrong..

Your own advice..

I cant believe how I love this man, even when he drives me insane. Its hard to imagine you can be so close to someone that their essense controls and confirms your very being. I cant explain it. In theory I should tell someone to watch out, but I cant advise myself the same. I make allowances for things that are not OK.

Waiting

Im back in London. We left Ireland Yesterday I planned to stay there but I couldnt do it, I couldnt leave him. So now here I am, im back in London and I dont know what im doing. I have spent the last few months waiting - waiting for something. Waiting for him. And im sick of it. Its not right. To let someone consume you.

Boundaries

Once you have crossed boundaries with someone its almost impossible to get them back. You dont have a line anymore and the ability you may have once had to speak calmly and rationally is all but lost. Things are said in anger and its just horrible.

I know that when someone has been hurt in the past its hard to let go of those cautious emotions. But its got to stop. Without trust there is nothing and at some point enough is enough. You just cant take your baggage with you, its not healthy and its not fair on the other person. You cant just assume that everything else in your life is going to play out the same way. It means you become this bitter, jaded person, suspicious and paranoid about every person that comes your way or every situation you find yourself in.

We cant communicate and im not sure what to make of all of it really? What have I learnt, what lesson was this supposed to be? There seemed like a thousand reasons why we met and fell in love, how is it possible it should all end like this?

Pengu

My heart is telling me one thing and my mind another but im not sure I should listen to either of them...

Im so confused about my future and I dont know how to rectify this. I think about the past months and im so happy with the good times we have shared, but how do I know it will last. How can I be sure if we were to marry life would be rewarding no matter what. That with each obstacle that presents itself we would find a way and everything would be ok beacuse we love eachother.

I cant help but want the fairytale. Im sure he is my one... My penguin.

I want it all and he can give it to me, and im sure I can give it to him.

Leaving London

We are going to Poland on Monday for 2 weeks. Then off to Dublin..

Butterflies

I dont know what to say. Im more in love than I have ever been. Thankfully I know what love is. When he looks at me I just want to die. I have butterflies in my stomach all the time, thinking about him. Perhaps its the most I have felt for someone, ever.

Look in my eyes... Paralysed ...Empty skies...

I left the sun..
to be with you
cross the oceans..

A butterflies wings beat silent like air..

Choices

Im not sure how I feel at the moment.. Life is more tricky when you are with someone. Its strange that sometimes you can feel more lonely with another person then you ever really felt by yourself. I have just under 2 months before I have to do a dodgey visa run accross the ocean.

Your feet

Im really close tonight..
and i feel like i'm moving inside her
lying in the dark
and i think that i'm beginning to know her
let it go...

i'll be there when you call
and whenever i fall at your feet
you let your tears rain down on me
whenever i touch your slow turning pain
you're hiding from me now

it's something in the way that you're talking
words don't sound right
and i hear them all moving inside you,

go...

i'll be waiting when you call

and whenever i fall at your feet
would you let your tears rain down on me
whenever i touch your slow turning pain

a finger of blame has turned upon itself
and i'm more than willing to offer myself
do you want my prescence or need my help
who knows where that might lead
i fall..


Im listening to Crowded House...

He is in Bed ..

Im trying to ring my sister. I love her In a way maybe she doesnt know.

We have a hard life. A hard family. I dont know what I would do without her..

Timeing is everything

God damm he is high maintenance. Ive never had anyone like that before. Its driving me insane.

Why is it that every relationship I have been in, one of us has not been ready for the other...

Direction

Im curled up in his arms and all I can think is what am I doing? How did I end up here - and why do they always find me? Am I ever really looking? ..No. Im sure they find me. I am not one of these girls that longs to be loved. Im a hopeless romantic I know this, but I am not searching for just any love, Im looking for the right one. And im justified because I was thorough when I was looking for him.

I know it bothers him that I have had other lovers but what am I to do. I cant change it, and I wont apologise for it. I am the person I am because of those experiences.

I feel weird for the new direction in my life. I dont know what the fuck I should do? Im the most torn I think I have ever been - Do I stay or go? My natural instinct is to bail..

When I look into those blue eyes though..

Summer

So im at a crossroads again. I will finish my job next week and I really dont know if I want to stay in London. I hate it here. The only appealing thing about London at the moment is the fact that my boys here and that the weather is lovely. I have spent far too may years in London and Im totally done. Summer is coming and where I am going to be for it I dont know..

Ever

Do you dog-ear pages of a book or use a bookmark? Ever gave money to a bum? Ever had pop rocks and coke in your mouth at the same time? Ever drank an entire bottle of tequila by yourself?

Hanging

So he has been here for just over two weeks and Im not sure how its going. I feel mixed up and have lost my sense of self. Its so crazy. You spend so much time rebuilding your life after a relationship ends, you feel strong, confident, in control. Then someone comes along and its all shot to shit. You are supposed to be stronger when there are two of you but im not sure its really true. You loose a little part of you for every part you gain. Im incredibly happy when I look at him but what happens to my life now. He will always want to be in Poland. I cant help but involve myself in my lovers desires and aspirations that it leaves my own hanging by a thread..

Responsibility

So I am now in a role im not sure I wanted. I have so much responsibility and its sucking me dry. Its hard. I have a staff of 14 and I love them to death, I am trying to keep them all happy, but its a challenge. We have so may issues at the moment because we are changing over to a new stystem and i just dont have time for them...

Life is forever challenging and I know this more now because of this job.

But on a more personal note everythings good.. Im feeling for someone im not sure is good for me though.. Like I said before, how can you ever be truly involved in someone that is aware of a world you are so completely unfamiliar with. I am finding myself questioning things already that will always be an issue.

I am surrounded at the moment by women that are very anti-men, and although I have had experiences that have hurt me, there has been so much ecstacy that I am not jaded by the bad. I love to death everyone that has touched my soul and In turn my body. How could I possibly be twisted? They mean the world, and I am a different person because of them.

Life is so very different because of them and because of every one I have ever met - What am I to do?

How do I pursue this everyday path when I have had a taste of the world that exists beyond that.. How do I go back? I want more. I am 2 weeks of 26 and Im shitting my pants, 30 aint so far away anymore..

Flow

So its been a while.. My job is going really well. Too well, somethings gotta give right. It always surprises me when things end up like this, when its so unexpected, it keeps you on your toes. Im hoplessly involved in another being and in turn it makes me vunerable. Not vunerable but exposed, and the things that are going on in my mind as a direct result of this are ridiculous and all of a sudden I am a pathetic girl again. And I am surrounded by them...

So I think about my life and again I wonder how I got here.

I have been fortunate enough to end up here. How I really did, i dont know. When I look at these people that are trying so desperately to get jobs and they are looking at me wondering how they acheive this and I cant help but think what the fuck? try harder. But then at the same time I have never looked for any of my jobs for more than one day. Perhaps I am lucky - but i doubt it.

Life changes the older you get, and what seemed important at some point ultimately becomes a position of circumstance. You go with the flow..

Missing

I just spoke to my boy.

I'm missing him so much. I am forever the stupid girl hopelessly in love, pining for somone. I cant help it, but it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I suppose im very lucky really. I let go and he came back...

To miss:
1. To fail to hit, reach, catch, meet, or otherwise make contact with.
2. To discover or feel the absence or loss of somone or something.

Red

Its Sunday. No day feels more insightful and relaxing than Sunday. Im back into reading the paper and today its of course the Sunday Times.

Two fish swimming in opposite directions.. hmmm

I have had such a nice cruisy day with Sylva, she's amazing. You either get someone straight away or you take a lot of time trying to. She was immediate.

If RED is a power colour why do I not like to wear red. Red shirts..

The Basics

Ability is what your capable of doing, motivation determines what you do and attitude determines how well you do it.

How am I managing any of this?

Ive been back almost 2 weeks and settling back in to London life is an ongoing process. The Tube is worse than ever and it takes over an hour now to go just a few stops ...Im already perpetually late by 5 minutes for everything in my life, I really dont need any additional obstacles getting to work!

Not to worry, works good Im managing a pretty cool hostel and I work with some characters!

Fishes

Im so consumed by my emotions at the moment its crazy. Im deeply involved in learning more about peoples compatability. Its strange that hes a fish too. Ive never met nor been in love with a male pisces. Its strange. He is me. How long before I annoy me...

Hey Dan Mega.

The Forces

Society is presently concerned only with the Material Forces, failing to recognise the spiritual forces. Yet, what is a Material Force but the visable manifestation of the Spiritual Force behind it? To accept the material manifestation and deny the Spiritual Force that creates and controls it is to place yourself in the illogical position of accepting an effect - and denying its cause.

The Rain

I have the most amazing 2 months, its hard to believe its over. Im back in London and its cold and wet and miserable and I miss him. I have not had too much time to think about it thank god. Im staying with Sylva this crazy Czech chick I met what feels like a lifetime ago. She is golden and Im very happy with her presense in my life again. Its been too long..

So I have found what I hope will be a nice job, at a hostel near Victoria station managing a 200 bed Hostel. I start a trial on Monday should be interesting..

I just read something that said you can tell a lot about someone by the way the deal with 3 things. The rain, lost luggage and tangled christmas tree lights.

London

I leave for london in 48 hours and leaving him is the hardest thing about it. Im not concerned that I no longer have a visa or that I need to get a job immediately as I am almost out of money.

..Aughhhh! The last thought killed by anticipation of the next.

Free

Ok so its official I have learnt nothing. I think about the days that have passed and I wonder if I really thought things would end like this? I gave him my truth and he questioned it. I offered my heart and it was denied.

He speaks to me of the girls that have broken his heart and I listen, reluctant to share my own pain because it makes me vulnerable. Yet I sit here with a tear in my eye and pain in my heart, and wonder should I have done anything differently?

If you love something set it free - My ass. Heres hoping it comes back.

Barriers

Its the 3rd of January and there are mixed emotions about the year that I am now in and a part of. It is no longer a coming attraction its here. Its 2007. Im 3 months off 26.

I have managed to stumble across an intriguing individual that seems complimentary to my mind and body. However, is it really truly possible to be connected with someone that speaks another language? That has an entirely different culture and upbringing. I have many friends that are in these relationships/marriages and they seem to work, but is it just that they are so astounded by eachothers foreignness that it keeps something alive despite the obstacles.

wait.. Kasia in bed.

"They really have to invent something that makes it so that you can read a book while in bed without having to hold it - and that turns the pages.. Im so comfy I dont wanna move.."

Pop

The other day I was eating my breakfast. It was going snap, crackle and pop..

My World

Its not that im not ambitious. I am. Its just that I dont feel any particular desire to accomplish my goals in the immediate future. And risk missing out on this. On these moments that right now are shaping and dictating my life. The times I will one day look back on fondly, with a smile on my face and possible a tear in my eye.

I have met someone that has questioned me relentlessly about my chosen lifestyle and has consequently induced numerous emotions. I dont want for the things most do. I have no idea exactly where I will be next week and I like it that way. There are moments when I look at the sun or the stars and am reminded that all that matters is my path of self discovery. To learn and teach as much as I can.

Everyone has different views about why they are here and I am genuinenly interested in what they have to say. If I have say 20 - 30 years left in me, how do I forsee these years passing? Working in a job I hate to buy shit I dont need. Or spending my years discovering my land, this huge space we have divided into portions. I have been given the wonderful gift of a mind and I intend to explore it to the end.

My fortune as I look back on it amazes me ...The situations I have got myself into. The memories of my life I own in my mind are far from any reality I could have ever concieved for myself. I have led the fullest life, with the least amount of boundaries possible. The only thing that has ever bounded me is money ..But Ive always found a way.

I see his point and I do understand that this mindset does not entirely scream suitable companion.

However, I choose my choice..

2007

So New Years Eve has come and gone and 48 hours later I am still paying for it.

I leave for London in 7 days and I dont really know how I feel about it.
My heart has been exposed and I dont like it.

Mistakes

After all these years I am still involved in the process of of self-discovery. Its better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.

Eternity

What we do in our lives in echoed for eternity..

The Sexes

I would like to think I'm a little bit wiser than when I was 18, however my contention on men has not entirely evolved. I'm not sure I will ever truly understand them, nor do I want to. Women are for ever after their one, and although they may very well (in this day and age) have a few on the go at once, they will still inevitably give each one time enough.. Men on the other hand will run with something new until it dies (in every acpect), with little regard to other contenders. At the end of the day we are all seeking the same thing (if we are aware of this or not), to love someone and be loved in return. It will forever intrigue me how we play this game so very differently.

Blinded

Its the 19th of December. Its been almost 2 months since I left Australia. In these weeks that have passed I have done nothing but contemplate my fate. I have been drunk every day except the last two. But I sit here again with a beer in my hand.

Today I met a magician from Spain. His name was Jose. Always in a random encounter do I find my guide. He told me precisely what I needed to hear, and not one second either late or early. I dont suppose I ever doubted it really, during the last weeks, that I dont know my way. Im sure I do. It has been a test for me. I had become complacient, irresponsible. Foolish ..with my mind and body. Foolishly in love. Blinded. I have it all in my head now, but I worry I will forget because I always do.

What he said to me today about his former drug abuse and his now sobriety.. "It was an illusion all of that. I like my reality now". Its made me realise I am not ready for my reality. I am quite happy living the illusion. But as I grow the transition has become more comforting. Less terifying I suppose. I am still not ready and I will continue to smoke and drink. But I know it now. I know myself better because of this and because of him. No matter what I concede of all this, he was real and I was. And Im changed forever. I know what I want now clearer than ever before. In life and in a man. And I know what is wanted of me.. I want to be that, have that.

Jess

Its funny the way things play out. Generally when things are good with you they seem to be with everyone else too. Or is your own happiness reflected off everyone elses misery so brightly you cant actually see it. Right now everyone that means a lot to me seems to be doing pretty well, and for the first time in 9 months I feel free. Its fantastic to be back on the road.

One of the most beautiful and free spirited girls I have ever met has spent the summer rebuilding a house truck. Complete with Hammock. How amazing...

Universe

Its as though the universe is giving you a piece of rope and wondering if you are foolish enough to hang yourself with it..

The Death

I have realised lately just how fleeting friendship can be. I have just lost a good one. A good one when it was good. We meet so many people in our lives, some for a short time and some for an eternity/ a lifetime. And even though the bad times play heavily on my bitter/ jaded mind, I cant help but remember the good ones. But thats the way it goes..

Metal

If Heavy Metal took a physical form I'de punch it in the face.