Blinded

Its the 19th of December. Its been almost 2 months since I left Australia. In these weeks that have passed I have done nothing but contemplate my fate. I have been drunk every day except the last two. But I sit here again with a beer in my hand.

Today I met a magician from Spain. His name was Jose. Always in a random encounter do I find my guide. He told me precisely what I needed to hear, and not one second either late or early. I dont suppose I ever doubted it really, during the last weeks, that I dont know my way. Im sure I do. It has been a test for me. I had become complacient, irresponsible. Foolish ..with my mind and body. Foolishly in love. Blinded. I have it all in my head now, but I worry I will forget because I always do.

What he said to me today about his former drug abuse and his now sobriety.. "It was an illusion all of that. I like my reality now". Its made me realise I am not ready for my reality. I am quite happy living the illusion. But as I grow the transition has become more comforting. Less terifying I suppose. I am still not ready and I will continue to smoke and drink. But I know it now. I know myself better because of this and because of him. No matter what I concede of all this, he was real and I was. And Im changed forever. I know what I want now clearer than ever before. In life and in a man. And I know what is wanted of me.. I want to be that, have that.