Missing

I just spoke to my boy.

I'm missing him so much. I am forever the stupid girl hopelessly in love, pining for somone. I cant help it, but it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I suppose im very lucky really. I let go and he came back...

To miss:
1. To fail to hit, reach, catch, meet, or otherwise make contact with.
2. To discover or feel the absence or loss of somone or something.

Red

Its Sunday. No day feels more insightful and relaxing than Sunday. Im back into reading the paper and today its of course the Sunday Times.

Two fish swimming in opposite directions.. hmmm

I have had such a nice cruisy day with Sylva, she's amazing. You either get someone straight away or you take a lot of time trying to. She was immediate.

If RED is a power colour why do I not like to wear red. Red shirts..

The Basics

Ability is what your capable of doing, motivation determines what you do and attitude determines how well you do it.

How am I managing any of this?

Ive been back almost 2 weeks and settling back in to London life is an ongoing process. The Tube is worse than ever and it takes over an hour now to go just a few stops ...Im already perpetually late by 5 minutes for everything in my life, I really dont need any additional obstacles getting to work!

Not to worry, works good Im managing a pretty cool hostel and I work with some characters!

Fishes

Im so consumed by my emotions at the moment its crazy. Im deeply involved in learning more about peoples compatability. Its strange that hes a fish too. Ive never met nor been in love with a male pisces. Its strange. He is me. How long before I annoy me...

Hey Dan Mega.

The Forces

Society is presently concerned only with the Material Forces, failing to recognise the spiritual forces. Yet, what is a Material Force but the visable manifestation of the Spiritual Force behind it? To accept the material manifestation and deny the Spiritual Force that creates and controls it is to place yourself in the illogical position of accepting an effect - and denying its cause.

The Rain

I have the most amazing 2 months, its hard to believe its over. Im back in London and its cold and wet and miserable and I miss him. I have not had too much time to think about it thank god. Im staying with Sylva this crazy Czech chick I met what feels like a lifetime ago. She is golden and Im very happy with her presense in my life again. Its been too long..

So I have found what I hope will be a nice job, at a hostel near Victoria station managing a 200 bed Hostel. I start a trial on Monday should be interesting..

I just read something that said you can tell a lot about someone by the way the deal with 3 things. The rain, lost luggage and tangled christmas tree lights.

London

I leave for london in 48 hours and leaving him is the hardest thing about it. Im not concerned that I no longer have a visa or that I need to get a job immediately as I am almost out of money.

..Aughhhh! The last thought killed by anticipation of the next.

Free

Ok so its official I have learnt nothing. I think about the days that have passed and I wonder if I really thought things would end like this? I gave him my truth and he questioned it. I offered my heart and it was denied.

He speaks to me of the girls that have broken his heart and I listen, reluctant to share my own pain because it makes me vulnerable. Yet I sit here with a tear in my eye and pain in my heart, and wonder should I have done anything differently?

If you love something set it free - My ass. Heres hoping it comes back.

Barriers

Its the 3rd of January and there are mixed emotions about the year that I am now in and a part of. It is no longer a coming attraction its here. Its 2007. Im 3 months off 26.

I have managed to stumble across an intriguing individual that seems complimentary to my mind and body. However, is it really truly possible to be connected with someone that speaks another language? That has an entirely different culture and upbringing. I have many friends that are in these relationships/marriages and they seem to work, but is it just that they are so astounded by eachothers foreignness that it keeps something alive despite the obstacles.

wait.. Kasia in bed.

"They really have to invent something that makes it so that you can read a book while in bed without having to hold it - and that turns the pages.. Im so comfy I dont wanna move.."

Pop

The other day I was eating my breakfast. It was going snap, crackle and pop..

My World

Its not that im not ambitious. I am. Its just that I dont feel any particular desire to accomplish my goals in the immediate future. And risk missing out on this. On these moments that right now are shaping and dictating my life. The times I will one day look back on fondly, with a smile on my face and possible a tear in my eye.

I have met someone that has questioned me relentlessly about my chosen lifestyle and has consequently induced numerous emotions. I dont want for the things most do. I have no idea exactly where I will be next week and I like it that way. There are moments when I look at the sun or the stars and am reminded that all that matters is my path of self discovery. To learn and teach as much as I can.

Everyone has different views about why they are here and I am genuinenly interested in what they have to say. If I have say 20 - 30 years left in me, how do I forsee these years passing? Working in a job I hate to buy shit I dont need. Or spending my years discovering my land, this huge space we have divided into portions. I have been given the wonderful gift of a mind and I intend to explore it to the end.

My fortune as I look back on it amazes me ...The situations I have got myself into. The memories of my life I own in my mind are far from any reality I could have ever concieved for myself. I have led the fullest life, with the least amount of boundaries possible. The only thing that has ever bounded me is money ..But Ive always found a way.

I see his point and I do understand that this mindset does not entirely scream suitable companion.

However, I choose my choice..

2007

So New Years Eve has come and gone and 48 hours later I am still paying for it.

I leave for London in 7 days and I dont really know how I feel about it.
My heart has been exposed and I dont like it.